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issue 3, february 2000
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"this
just in, i am a terrible media
critic."
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thanks, but
not thanks
wash number one
Thank
you for taking the time to come in and see us.
Unfortunately there were several strong
contenders for the position of Copy Editor and I
am afraid we are unable to offer you the role. We
will keep your details on file, should anything
else become available.We wish you all the best in your
future career.
Yours sincerely,
Suzie Rocke
Office Manager
Revolution
wash number two
To Whom it May Concern:
Thank you for
submitting a resume to our fringe magazine. Yes,
we're struggling and barely able to pay our
free-lancers without being dragged across the
coals for non-payment by big, stupid newspapers
like The New York Times (don't they have better
things to do?), but we don't have a place for
someone with your, um, experience in our
organization.
We're glad you came to New York for an interview.
Double glad we didn't have a spend a nickel to
get you here or to put you up.
But, anyway, hope this fucking form letter finds
you well.
Sincerely,
Roberta Badalamente
HERO magazine
[editor’s note: Thanks. It was a real treat.
Honest.]
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"OK,
anybody think they can handle this
without dropping the ball?"
other
[name witheld]
copies
You know, I just read Nicholson
Baker's "The Mezzanine." It was
good. And entertaining. But something
about it struck me as oddly familiar--all
the footnotes going on for pages and
stuff. It seemed just a lot like [name
witheld], author of "[title
witheld]." You know, that famous
guy?
But then I looked, and Baker's book came
out about five years before [name
witheld]. A little weird isn't it? Do you
know what I'm saying?
Richard Johnson
New York
[editor’s note: We know what you're
saying.]
this magazine rules
Interesting. That's the only
thing I can say. I mean, I kind of don't
get it. You know? I mean, I just don't
get it. I really don't. What's the point?
It seems like it's supposed to be a
magazine, right? And it seems like
there's a bunch of weird stuff--some of
it funny, some of it serious. And then
there are cartoons and sort of
experimental fiction type-things. And out
of nowhere a couple of poems. But I don't
get it. Is that it?John U.
via internet
[editor’s note: Sounds like you
get it. What are you, John Heard in Big?]
Free Stuff
Thank
you for your interest in receiving free
music from Warner-EMI and our countless
subsidiaries. While we would be pleased
to take full advantage of your claim to
"unparalleled coverage made
available to an astonishingly wealthy
demographic of literate computer owners
who will be like putty in [your]
hands," I regret to inform you that
we are unable to enjoy your offer at this
time. Please notify us when your
"magazine" has established a
hit-count that we should bother to give
attention. After all, we have a 25
percent market share. Why would we need
coverage from your scrappy little train
wreck?
SEN 5241
Time-Warner/AOL
New York
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Genovese
Family
Chiropractic Ctr.
"Ok, first we're
gonna work on your legs,
then maybe send you over
to my cousin's for some
orthopedic shoes."
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