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chocolate thunder
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talk
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happy
faces
WE LIKE DYKES
Thank you so much for the
interview with Hillary and Tina
["Women Who Are Powerful Are Always
Kindof Masculine!" Preview
Issue, 1999]. They are the hottest couple
of "straight and married"
lesbians ever! The great thing
about cT is how unlike any other
thing in the world—real or
imagined—it is.
And who else could get Hillary to admit
that she’s just not into giving
hummers? That sure as hell explains a
lot. Keep up the good work.
Cheryl Teegs
Fort Wayne, NJ
[editor’s note: Ply anyone with
enough Gin and you’ll either get
your ass kicked or a really kick-ass
revelation.]
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"hey, buddy, here's the
one i owe you."
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GRAZIE ... MERCI
In a word, bravo! I have
been waiting for a publication like this
for a damn long time. I stopped reading
the New Yorker [sic] a long time
ago. It’s just so gone way
down hill. Congratulations on
getting your magazine off to such
an exciting start with a splendid mix of
high and low art: fart jokes and a
Schnabel bio—fantastique!
Griffin Mills
Hollywood, CA
DOMO ARIGATO, MR.
ROBOTO
Thank
you for your interest in receiving free
music from Warner Bros. Records and
it’s subsidiaries. While we are
eager to take advantage of your offer for
"unparalleled coverage made
available to an astonishingly wealthy
demographic of literate computer owners
who will be like putty in [your]
hands," I regret to inform you that
we are unable to take advantage of your
offer at this time. Please notify us when
your "magazine" is actually in
publication, so that a circulation base
can be estimated, and legitimate
advertising has been established.
Margaret Mealtiem
VP Warner Bros. PR
New York City
NO SHIT, DUMBASS
Who
knew Bill Maher was an arrogant freak
with worse hair than Conan
O’Brien?!? OK, so I always knew
it, but your article ["Politically
Incorrect, My Lilywhite Ass!"
Preview Issue, 1999] illimunated his
misogyny, too! Thanks! Now I feel
much better about myself.
Theodore Turner
Atlanta, GA
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pissed off faces
TITLE TK
I
deeply, deeply, deeply resent the above use of
the word "dykes." Only lesbian's have
the civil right to use the word "dyke,"
in either a joking or derisive manner. Same with
"f-----" (gay men); "n-----"
(black folks); "c----" (our little,
yellow friends); "s----, w------- (latin
folks), etc.," etc. See my point?
You're probably just a bunch of fat, old,
straight, married, boring, white guys, sitting
around in some office somewhere who're probably
pissed off that you can't get any women. And just
because two women is really the secret fantasy of
every last one of you doesn't mean that being
strong makes us "dykes," as you put it.
What right do you have?
Andy D'Francco
New York
[editor's note: Surely someone on our enormous
staff bumps fuzz?]
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"dude, look, flavor
crystals."
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TITLE
ALSO TK
As your only friend, I must
say this as honestly as possible:
you’re acting like a pig. You have
to be more open to finding love and not
be so crass and pissed off about
everything. I mean, I know that
you’ve been in relationships in the
past that haven’t worked out, but,
man, you have to let all that go. You
have to be willing to embrace every
experience and not be so damn
close-minded. So, I say, if she wants to
go to the monster truck pull, you ought
to go. If that’s her worst flaw
then, by God, marry her. Ok? Now buck up
little camper!
H.G. Bail
Paris, TX
SHUT YOUR FUCKING
FACE, UNCLE-FUCKER
Oh, and, by the way,
I’ll not only never contribute
anything for free to your startup piece
of shit, I’ll consider any further
contact cause for legal action; and if
you publish my home phone number I swear
I’ll personally kick your ass up,
down, and sideways1; you can consider
that a threat if you must, or consider
it, as I would, an affront to your
metaphysicality, if you have one; get a
life you crazy stalking bastard!
[name witheld at the request of the
author]
The Midwest
[editor’s note: Point taken.]
1 It’s
important to note, A. Gram Bail, just how
pissed off I, [name withheld at the
request of the author], am that some
fucking joke-shop, small-town, piss-ant,
bullshit, half-wit, redneck-peckerwood,
drag-ass–good-for-nothing–sonuvabitch,
unappealing–go-nowhere–loser,
cockmaster, bunghole,
king-of-the-douches, ass-bag,
creeker-mutant would have the nerve to
ask me, [name witheld at the request of
the author], esteemed author of such
critically acclaimed and publicly lauded
works of literature as [titles withheld
at the request of the author] to
contribute something for free!—I
mean, for fucking free? Give me a break,
would you?—do you think I toiled in
semi-obscurity in an academic ivory tower
to suddenly want to pass on the product
of my genius for what (what? I
ask)?—your
gratitude?—hah!—no thanks,
dickweed!
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© copyright 1999 brown electric/cthunder
inc.
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