Contact: Sonya Stover
Title: 24-7¹ Paid Internships²

Salary: Hourly³

Qualifications: Zoggle.com is an internet community⁴ for teens⁵; we are located in downtown Manhattan (currently near the stock exchange).⁶ We need interns to monitor chat rooms⁷, scan photos for use on the site, ⁸ and surf the web⁹ (sounds rough, huh?¹⁰). We need people at all hours,¹¹ so you'll be able to set your own schedule.¹² And, yes, we will pay you.¹³ Specifically, we are looking for student interns¹⁴ who: · Are intelligent,¹⁵ articulate,¹⁶ hardworking,¹⁷ and web literate.¹⁸ · Can be responsible¹⁹ and dependable²⁰ in a chaotic environment.²¹ · Communicate tactfully,²² patiently,²³ and diplomatically.²⁴ · Have enthusiasm²⁵ and common sense.²⁶

How to Apply: If you're a college student looking for extra cash²⁷ and you crave²⁸ the kind of adrenaline rush²⁹ you can only get at a startup,³⁰ send your resume to Sonya Stover at jobs@zoggle.com

Zoggle.com: Boggle and Zoiks! It sounds oddly familiar doesn’t it? That’s the idea.

¹ 24-7: Using this lame, once-hip lingo for 24-hours-a-day/7-days-a-week doesn’t fool anybody. It’s a euphemism for indentured servitude.

² Ah, paid interns. They’re better than migrant workers because they’re willing to sacrifice themselves now for the sake of their precious resumes. No benefits. No severance. No problem.

³ Hourly pay for interns. In New York. Let’s see, that 5 bucks an hour almost covers the cab it costs to get home after a shift.

⁴ Internet community is the catchphrase-du-jour for a magazine that integrates content from its audience. It's like having built in test-audiences with full demographics available to advertisers for each users. Oh, OK, John is a 15-year-old who likes snowboarding? The ads throughout the "community" are tailored to John on every page he visits. Same for 17-year-old Suzie, only it's girlie stuff or whatever she likes.

⁵ Teens. Good god. Could American advertising dollars be any more finely focused on these poor fucking kids? (See react.com and iturf.com/gurl.com)

⁶ Iturf.com is also located near the stock exchange. If there’s gonna be all this crap down there, somebody ought to open a halfway decent restaurant. I mean, Au Bon Pain and Starbucks are not enough.

⁷ To Monitor chat rooms likely entails either sifting through inane drivel making sure that no one’s getting all raunchy and shit, or keeping an eye out for any kind of insight into buying preferences/habits.

⁸ Scanning photos for the web is as mindless a task as exists. And that’s said from experience. But usually, they pay people a bunch of money to do it. Not here. As an intern.

⁹ Sure, you’ll surf the web, but not for anything you give a shit about. You may well even be going down a list checking shit off and reporting back to der kommissar, like a drone.

¹⁰ It does sound rough, especially when you figure that, while all of this is technically true, it isn’t going to be like getting paid to pull tubes and cruise porn from your dorm.

¹¹ They need people at all hours? Hence 24-7. Who in the hell would want to stay up all night going down some corporate check-list of grunt work? Also, this means they're trying to put the site up in an awful hurry to compete with all of the other teen communities already out there.

¹² Oh, you’ll be able to set your own schedule, all right. Ten minutes a night you can nap on the can.

¹³ And, yes, we will pay you. In rice.

¹⁴ Specifically, we are looking for student interns. Student interns. The best. Chocolate Thunder wouldn’t be the publishing giant it is today without the thousands of kids who don't know any better—desperate to pad their resumes—who have worked here since our inception. R.I.P. Not to mention that many of the hotter ones got a little lesson in life that they took with them (i.e. sextra credit).

¹⁵ We’re into intelligent young women, too. Big dummies need not apply.

¹⁶ Just being able to use the word articulate in a sentence is all the proof you need that you are, indeed, articulate.

¹⁷ Hardworking indeed. Ever see those old black and white pictures of guys working on buildings in New York from, like, 50 years ago—when they’re all hanging on to I-beams and shit? Those guys were pussies.

¹⁸ Web literate, yes. Actually literate, optional.

¹⁹ You’ll be held responsible for a shitload of work at odd hours that they’ll subtly force you to put ahead of your school-work until your kicked out and your parents cut you off and the shitty paid internship doesn’t cut it and your living on the streets in the meat-packing district giving handjobs for a dollar.

²⁰ Dependable? How does berated, stripped of your dignity, and then fired in front of the whole office for being late twice sound? [And don’t try that "the subway stopped between stations crap," because they’ve heard it all before.]

²¹ A chaotic environment, defined as no available desks, no available phones, no available staplers, scanners, or chairs. And the only mice around scurry out--because they’re afraid of being eaten by the squatters who’ve taken over the place--when the guy with the candle comes around.

²² Communicate tactfully: i.e. don’t call the office manager a cock-sucking, ass-ramming, pig-fucking, fudge-packer just because he forgot to tell you you’d be working a double.

²³ Patiently: As in you’ll be waiting, say, forever to be paid that bowl of rice. And your communications ought to be patient with the dude at the front desk with the heroin problem, too.

²⁴ The diplomacy you’ll acquire there will come in handy when you’re trying to arrange with your parole officer to get the gun charges dropped against you after you go a little cuckoo one night around 4:30 a.m. hopped up on high-test coffee—which, by the way, you’ll have to pay for yourself either at the Starbucks in 1 Battery Park Plaza or across the street at the Au Bon Pain—and cheap truckers speed (available at the counter at deli down the street).

²⁵ In order to have enthusiasm, you’ll either have to be the guy at the front desk with the smack thing or you’ll have to really, really need the bowl of rice.

²⁶ Common sense is required so that you know how to make change for a dollar when you start your day-shift at McDonald’s (to which they subcontract you 80 hours a week), and so you’re not seen wearing white after Labor Day.

²⁷ Some college students looking for extra cash sell drugs, others strip, you are obviously a little more sophisticated and so you’re interested in something a little more challenging. Like this.

²⁸ Side effects from these cravings include but are not limited to sleeplessness, stomach discomfort, diarrhea, nausea, anal bleeding, oily discharge, and sexual side effects in men and women.

²⁹ Oh, you'll be getting an adrenaline rush, just like the one used to revive Uma Thurmond in "Pulp Fiction."

³⁰ A start-up, eh? Sounds kind of exciting. Where do we sign up? <