issue 4, sometime in april 2000
 




 
 
   

quattro formaggio

This is an old bit we stole from Might magazine, with whom we would refuse a fist-fight challenge as well as a drinking contest and a battle wits. It's just a short-list of things we think are cheesy--well, some of us, anyway--both good and bad.

1. super-cheesy scene: Having a "street" person revealing oddly poignant near-nonsense philosophical bullshit to no one in particular as protagonist passes by (usually, it's the theme of the movie).

2. Fantastically cheesy reason to love David Letterman: Any time they can, they throw something off of a building.

3. People who think about "their look" and whether or not to "reveal" that they're bald (esp. actors).

4. Bald jokes.

5. How, in the movies, nobody's ever expecting their machine gun to run out of bullets. They always hold it out a little and look at it like, "Holy cow! I can't believe it's out," and then toss it aside like there will never be any more bullets for that kind of gun around ever.

6. How they always seem to know--regardless of how many car hoods they slide across or windows they jump through/out of or how many flips they do--exactly how many bullets are left in their handgun. Not only theirs, but their adversary's as well.

7. How in every other movie, this knowledge either saves someone's life or gets someone killed (more often the former) ... e.g. enemy gun to protagonist's head; he/she calmly trades bon mots with enemy (knowing they are out of bullets) only to dust them with his/her own gun, which always has one more bullet.

8. How anyone can know how many bullets various makes of guns hold (and be able to count them while ... (see 6)).

9. How anyone can recognize all the guns out there by sight and couple that with number 8.

10. Having a dragon, a snake, and a gorilla tattooed on your head.

11. Having to say, "You'll recognize him. He's got a dragon, a snake, and a gorilla tattooed on his head."

12. Having to tell a female friend that the blind date you set her up on has a dragon, a snake, and a gorilla tattooed on his head.

13. Having to follow up that description with the phrase, "But he's a really nice guy."

14. Adding, "I swear" after the above remark in an effort to somehow mean it.

 


 

15. Saying, "Oh, and you're shit smells like roses?"

16. Black people learning how to be more black.

17. Thinking, "You know, how can I be more black?"

18. Movies where the actor portraying the "blackness" guru apes Jesse Jackson's cadence and delivery.

19. Movies where the actor portraying the "blackness" guru says, "We must fully embrace who we are...."

20. Movies where pseudo-black white guys are used to illustrate how unlike real black guys white guys really are.

21. "Rivalry Week Sponsored by America Online"

22. Snow-cross: An "extreme" winter "sport," wherein clearly insane participants fly through the air on snowmobiles (a la motocross).

23. "Extreme Sports" (not inherently the sports themselves, but that they're called "Extreme" or even worse "X-Games").

24. Statements like, "There are more snowmobiles in Vermont than cars."

25. Snow-cross lingo: "Oops, if not for Danerchik's 'off-sled,' he'd have won this race!"

26. How the snow-cross announcer is all amped and calling the action like a traditional sporting event.

27. Snow-cross instant replay with commentary like, "What a tremendous move!"

28. Saying stuff about Colorado like, "You can sense a sense of history out here...."

29. That a guy from Finland came to America to compete in Snow-cross.

30. Fantastically cheesy: It's almost always funny when somebody gets head-butted.

31. Trying to conjugate "head-butt."

   
 
 
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