issue 4, sometime in april 2000
 




 
banalities

 

The Sun King Hates the Net

"L'Internet - Ce n'est pas moi."

Six objections to the Internet that the Louis the 14th of France can think of just off the top of his head:

Makes it hard to fend off inevitable clash between Cardinal Richlieu and fifth musketeer Bill Gates.

Destabilizes central control that typifies absolutist monarchy

Frankly the whole thing reeks of a Huguenot plot, and needs to be suppressed

Sad lack of Acadian Shepherdess porn

The Versailles website is ugly and slow to load

After all the fuss, he still think s French-engineered Minitel is a better system. <

nicholas noyes © 2000

  
 


 
    eminems

Regular. Peanut. Crunchy. Peanut Butter. Which "M" is the best?

We were going to compare the various types of M&M's, but after the Klondike bar (regular) and a small bag of Peanut Butter M's, we could only get throught the first quarter of a bag of Crunchy M's before they became too sweet. (By the way, the side walls of the Klondike bar (regular being the best of those) is thinner than the top and bottom. Sweet.)

Later, we resumed the test with a small bag of Peanut M's (leaving the Crunchy unfinished). We could only eat enough Peanut to decide that they're the best. They're natural. You can let the candy shell dissolve in your mouth and then eat the peanut. Or you can carefully bite them in half and exctract the peanut from the second half of the candy shell (using your fingers to hold it, of course). We left out the regular kind from the test. They suck. <

 
this is where the cartoon goes.

oh my darling clementine
by duncan hernandez

I came across a piece of (tree) stem on a clementine a few weeks ago, at the end of their season where I live. It struck me as odd. It reminded me that clementines come from nature. Here are a few reason to think otherwise:

1) Easy to open biodegradable packaging.

2) A perfect mixture of sweet, tangy, and sour.

3) It's difficult to eat just one serving.

4) Oh, sure, there are some occasional seeds, but god only knows what kind of factory floor crap winds up in candy. <

 

  
 

 

   

perfect pitch
a brief conversation between two guys

A: "Lady's man? Me? No way. I'm more like a solid pitcher: a lot of strike outs and, uh, very few at bats, depending on where I am...."

B:

A: "Yeah, you're right, it works on that level. Rarely do I get past first base. Ha! But what's second base, anyway? I mean, in that old sense of sex-as-sports, you now?"

B:

A: "Yeah, first base is kissing, sure, but what's second?"

B:

A: "Oh really?"

B:

A: "And third? I mean, I might have guessed second, but what's between that and home base? You know? What the hell is getting to third all about?"

B:

A: "No shit!"

B:

A: "I didn't know that...." <

 
     
 
 
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